do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
