woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
