mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
