So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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