the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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