You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
