You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
