I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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