I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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