apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
