Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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