I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
