That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
