You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
