my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
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