She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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