This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
