im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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