come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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