I'm drive I can fine osifer
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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