Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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