I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
