My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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