This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize