I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
