If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
