I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
