On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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