True but thats because hes a fetus.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
