we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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