Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
