Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
