Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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