this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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