i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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