I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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