Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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