Apparently you make a good broom.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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