he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
