If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Randomize
