He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize