I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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