R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
