Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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