The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
