your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
