I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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