So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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