I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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