That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
my liver is dry heaving
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
