His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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