Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You made out with two different species that night
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
