Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Randomize
