i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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