At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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