I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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