Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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