margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
we're making bets on your personal life
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
