im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
